Monday, October 16, 2006


So, university, eh? The wild grey yonder, the long dark tea-time of the soul, the big greasy. What more can I say that wasn't already summed up in those few quibbling quotes? Seriously, that's about it.

I'm getting a little worried about things concerning physics, as well as my student loan. People complain about living off of £1500 a year, but, as of yet, I'm living off of £80 for the rest of my year. This is the root of my worries about physics, seeing as I can't really afford to live and buy the course book at the same time, and, until that loan comes through, I refuse to lay hands on my wallet. I'm heading to the university library (or the departmental one) sometime tomorrow so that I can return to the basics of my calling and get back to understanding physics, which is what I'm here to really do.

I'm quite pleased with Philosophy for the time being. I've been given one piece of work, which, basically, is to prepare for next week's lecture. I only have one of those a week. Every friday at 1:15 you'll find me there, in Derwent College, room 56, attentively listening and trying to record as much as I can on my dictophone. It doesn't really do a very good job in an auditorium full of noisy students, but I'll endeavour to do better in future.

The people here are, for the most part, lovely. My housemates are pretty damned awesome as a matter of fact, and, or so we are wont to believe, it seems we have the most awesome house in all of halifax, or atleast Ingram Court, but that's not hard if I'm being honest. The only side affect is living here is that I keep tagging things like "in all honesty" and other such bigotted tripe to the ends of most of my sentences. I swear that today I managed to slot "... in my opinion" onto the end of 5 consecutive sentences. A good stabbing'll set me straight no doubt, but I think that'll have to wait for the time being.

However, dear readers, it's not all shits and giggles at Ingram Court's House C, oh no. I miss my family an awful lot. I can't really put it any more eloquently than that. Unless you've done without your family for a long time, so long a time that you don't know quite when you'll see them again, despite allocated holidays then you really don't know. I really feel for the guy next door though(and if you meet me while I'm here then I beg of you, DO NOT BRING THIS UP; I feel awkward enough not saying a thing about it and I might explode if someone else has to do the same), he had his mum die on him a year ago last weekend and I don't think that my little pity party can hold a flame to something quite so monumental as that, and I would be an asshole for ever thinking that it would. It's still pretty painful though.

I guess the most painful part is knowing, and knowing for certain, that there are people out there who love me more than anyone else in the whole wide world. In fact I'm welling up just thinking about it, it moves me so much. That's something, in my opinion at least, that is so enormous that I would be surprised if there was a person in all of creation who isn't moved to tears when they start to really appreciate it. It's like knowing that out there there is someone who you love more than life itself out there somewhere, it makes your chest sag and you feel like you can't quite catch your breath properly and, despite not feeling anything especially, bar that monumental aching hole, knowing your not with them, it moves you to tears. It makes you shudder and shake, and convulse and squeeze and feel dead and alive all at once, and not at all. It's a great wholesome nothingness, so vacuous that walking through it would be like trying to walk through concrete; like having the life crushed out of you and having it replaced by a golden shimmering death that you don't know whether to cringe at the sight of or embrace in the rib shattering hug of meeting an old friend.

It's so poetic, in fact, that I can't describe it in the slightest.


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