Saturday, April 22, 2006

Proud to be British

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.

Oh, and only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance;
only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front;
only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke;
only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters;
only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage;
only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place and
only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

Not to mention:

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue, 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts, 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers, 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in, 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate, British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents, 101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet, 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth, a massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth, 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars, and finally, in 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

I am proud to be British.


In other news:

my life is ending, slowly, one moment at a time, and there is nothing i can do to stop it. But you all knew that already.

Nothing ever happens here. I have nothing to write about! Well, atleast nothing that i feel capable of comitting to the internet. I mean, you guys out there, you crave something interesting, entertaining or atleast mildly confusing to idle your time with.

If you ended up here by accident, I'd leave right now and never look back. Tell your friends to stay away; tell them, "Oh crikey! Don't ever head over to that Joe Beaver fellows blog! It's dire!"

But i really do need to put something more interesting up here. I promise I will as soon as it happens.

Peace out.

1 comment:

Eevee said...

More than ever before am I proud to be British.

Brave heart, Mr Beaver.

the one you call holyoake (or you would if you could spell it)